Harry Potter And The Dungeon Heart
by Valentine Meikin
Summary: There are many things which are constants in the universe. Law only seems to serve the rich and powerful. Chaos is unpredictable and uncontrollable, Good people die all too easily, and Evil is the blight that must be eliminated. Evil also seems to get all the really good perks... Welcome to the rebirth of Harry Potter, once Good's latest martyr, now Evil's latest Dungeon Keeper...


_**We wish to apologize profusely for the sudden loss of the entire story in Dungeon Heart. Apparently, far too many people prefer to live in a world where Japanese people speak perfect English all the time. That and there was a abrupt notification that EA's Mythic Entertainment studio gave Hornicus a new job, and toned down my own, terrorizing something called the iPhone as well as a platform known as Android, the latter of which seems to be basically raiding the candy shop for OS names. Yes, EA Far East is no longer the only place you can find Dungeon Keeper. However, I have to say the new english logotype is terrible, never mind the over-abundance of money grabbing. I remember a time where an imp cost MANA, and didn't shill you for a few dollars because he's being a lazy slob!**_

_**The author also discovered a wonderfully cruel and sadistic series that has begun to be released, seemingly as usual, by Nippon Ichi Software America, even if they didn't develop it in the first place, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc. It's basically a pair of Phoenix Wright games crossed with a demented version of Cluedo. Solving a murder was never so blissfully bloodthirsty. Before you ask, the bear is NOT appearing in this story.**_

_**Anyway, With several new jokes, and a handful of old ones, we hand the story over to the author to disclaim a few small things.**_

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Dungeon Keeper, Discworld, Labyrinth, Overlord, Sailor Moon or any other franchise referenced in this story. Harry Potter belongs to Jo Rowling, Dungeon Keeper belongs to Mythic Entertainment and NetDragon Websoft, Discworld belongs to Terry Prachett, Overlord belongs to Triumph Studios and Codemasters, Labyrinth belongs to The Jim Henson Company and Walt Disney Studios, Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, and all other franchises belong to their respective creative staff. I do own a Playstation 3, a 3DS, a _**way**_ outdated PC and a Xperia U, and will exchange Nintendo or Playstation Network details if you wish.

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE - Death Is The Beginning Of The Next Great Adventure**

_**Most people would consider that Good and the twin concepts of Justice and Law are the ones who control what is right and wrong. However, people have used both justice and law to commit worse atrocities than those who beat the drums of War, Chaos and Terror. Well, Except if you take into consideration the Imperium of a universe known as Warhammer 40,000. But they've been at war so long against Chaos and Terror, literally, they're a special case.**_

_**In one part of the multiverse, a hero who defeats some of the most powerful enemies of his world is STILL considered a pariah and has most of his biggest power-boosts denied him due to really terrible writing. I wish to also add that, after researching said universe, that there will be no-one in that universe with a beneficial mutation left within three generations of the end of the series.**_

_**They talk of a butterfly's beating wings being able to cause tidal shifts as a example of chaos theory. I have a much better example. A young woman tells a visitor that they should get a bath at the same exact time as her sister tells their youngest sister the bath is free. Oh, that was a excellent example of chaos theory. Although, Ms. Saotome, please, stop fooling yourself. The boy has half a dozen girlfriends, at least, a seppuku contract and can't get five minutes peace. The girl has... I think it might be two boyfriends, possibly three, has a lot more fun and there's several points where you clearly are more of a girl than your 'primary' fiancee!**_

_**Ahem, Let us leave those two examples of where someone screwed up royally. Now, Harry Potter, our current entertainment. In one universe, he ends up in a suspicious relationship with his greatest fangirl that means, in all honesty, one family could easily hold enough power, using his name and reputation, to own their small parcel of Earth. Sheesh, Earth... Was the other option something like 'Dirt' or 'Soil'?... I like the name Bob. It at least gets raised eyebrows at the intergalactic discussion of where you are from.**_

* * *

Vernon Dursley wasn't happy. His breakfast was ample, his cup of coffee was the right temperature, the mail was sorted and stacked neatly on the table, and his nephew was busy cutting out coupons for his wife to use later that afternoon. The reason he wasn't happy was that he'd not had to say a single word in anger yet. It was approaching 10:00 in the morning, and he hadn't had to tell his nephew off for burning the toast, undercooking the eggs, scorching the sausage...

"Boy?" Vernon asked icily, "Are you trying to butter me up so you can go out with us shopping?"

"No, Uncle Vernon." His nephew replied, "I was going to work on the garden while you're shopping."

Vernon pinched himself. Nothing happened. Admittedly, there was not enough purchase for him to truly cause pain, so it was a fruitless exercise. Unknown to Vernon, the boy did have a ulterior motive. He wanted his uncle and aunt to leave him alone in the house for a few hours to investigate a annoying sound like digging that had woke him up very early. The reason he didn't want to investigate with them in the house was that it wasn't Normal, and anything Abnormal was Bad.

* * *

_**The least favourite multimedia franchise for the Dursley Family was the Addams Family, who they felt were almost as eccentric and Abnormal than wizards. What is not admitted is that the Addams are a long-lived Hispanic Pureblood line that is considered highly eccentric by even the wizards. Yes, even the wizards aren't able to consider an Addams to be a normal person. And they don't care one bit.**_

* * *

Vernon looked like he'd just swallowed something that didn't agree with him. The gears in his head considered leaving Harry with the run of the house while they went shopping. "Is Marge busy?" He asked Petunia, who went over to the phone.

"Yes... Another visit to the vet's? Oh dear... I'll put you on to Vernon..." She stated. Vernon growled, listening to what Marge had to say.

"We'll look into it while we're out." He stated, knowing this would be Expensive, "How about that Figg woman?"

Petunia rung Mrs. Figg's phone number, looking annoyed as she didn't get a answer.

* * *

_**Let us pause the story to explain that Mrs. Figg was just finishing her weekly report to Albus Dumbledore, and listening to the usual diatribe from Severus Snape about how she was likely exaggerating the issues.**_

_**She arrived back as Petunia hung up. Fate was laughing her head off at the irony of how the fact humans can't wait 'forever' for someone to come to the phone, and invariably people are on the toilet or similar at the worst time, except when it's someone cold calling, where they're always able to answer the phone. No wonder in the modern age, places like dentists ask for your mobile number in order to text you reminders.**_

* * *

"That's odd..." Petunia stated, "We'll have to trust you, just this once."

Harry gave a small smile, and waved to them as they drove out of the driveway. The noises were getting more urgent, Harry tried the back door, to notice a odd cracking round the door frame, and found it wasn't budging. The floor seemed to jerk as there was a whooshing sound beneath him, then the house began rapidly sinking, Harry running upstairs as windows began to be smashed in by dirt. He saw Vernon, who had heard the sound of the ground shifting, looking horrified as his house dropped into the ground, getting out the car's phone and ringing someone.

Harry didn't hear who, as he was on the wrong side of the collapse of the house into the hole, only hearing the sound of soil plugging up every possible opening, the weight of it beginning the all too predictable result. The last thing he remembered hearing was masonry and soil burying him alive...

* * *

_**Disclaimer - The writer has not tested what the actual result of someone being in a house when it falls into a sink hole would be. I wish to add my own opinions on the subject... GOOD JOB HE HASN'T.**_

* * *

Deep below him, a strange creature was sounding the alarm as work on the 'roof' of the dungeon had clearly gone terribly wrong as soil poured into the Heart. The flow began to increase as imps desperately attempted to shore up the collapsing roof, swearing as bits of masonry fell in the Heart to be immolated.

As a badly crushed human body fell into the heart, two figures looked at each other. "Shit." They both declared, the taller of the two figures leaving their vantage point

* * *

Harry groaned. Something was off about everything about how he'd woken up. He last remembered his house attempted to crush him after the ground swallowed him up. He also could see everything clearly before he'd put on his glasses, and a glance at his reflection in a large mirrored surface showed someone slightly taller and without a lightning bolt scar.

A girl with black, seemingly purple-tinted, hair and a long black cloak walked in, the cloak vanishing as she muttered something while holding out a long purple-shafted scythe, for it to transform into some kind of halberd, while her clothes had become some form of private school uniform of a purple blazer and some form of tartan, a 'h'-shaped symbol on her left breast pocket, her right breast pocket having some kind of crest marked with a crescent moon.

"Not even Japan is using the sailor fuku any more…" The girl muttered, "We'll stick out even worse… That didn't work… Then someone pointed out the skirts were not as drafty."

* * *

_**Queen Serenity The… Well, no-one's really sure. She was the blond one, not the white haired one or the pink haired one, I don't follow magical girls that well, I'm not a tentacle beast. And they follow them in a different way.**_

_**Still, A recent Queen Serenity managed to have the uniform changed for the sailor senshi after Japan began to phase out all forms of the sailor fuku style uniform. Other benefits include that the blazer has proper pockets. Problems include some senshi forgetting to detransform. Thankfully, Mugen Gakuen has the exact same school crest as the senshi uniforms. Who'd have thought?**_

* * *

"Umm, Hello?" Harry asked, "Where am I?"

"Eep!" The girl stated, before breathing in and out, and getting out a small book from one of the pockets of her blazer, before, in very broken english, she declared, "My name Hotaru Tomoe. You in bedroom of Dungeon…. … ...Ah, Dungeon Keeper."

"Where is the dungeon keeper?" Harry asked, for a very very very tall red skinned figure that looked like the nightmare cross between a bull and the Devil to seemingly appear out of a hole in space. He glanced upwards.

"You're right on time. He wants to know who's in charge." A cultured voice declared, for the monstrous figure to laugh in a way that chilled Harry to the bones, even the girl shuddering, and mutter something about 'Akuma' and 'Youma'.

"You became the Dungeon Keeper as a result of a unexpected resurrection ritual. You currently have one minion, a Warlock whose soul was bound to you, by the name of…" The figure stated, taking out a pair of glasses and a scroll, putting the glasses on and reading from it, "Tom Marvolo Riddle."

'_Getting too old for this job?_' Hotaru asked in a foreign language, The figure glaring at her, before putting away the glasses, Harry looking confused at what she'd said.

"I only need them for reading, you know. Not for reaping!" He snapped at her, "Is it my fault they abruptly said the invasion was cancelled?"

"Invasion?" Harry asked, trying to ignore the insinuation that he was ruler of wherever this was.

"We used to do some work in a parallel realm, raping, pillaging and generally raising hell, since the Greater Good had become complacent." The figure rumbled, "Before I continue, though, My name is Hornicus, and I am the Horned Reaper, and will only be here for short periods. Well, the Horned Talisman has not been forged in this realm yet."

"We still trying to find. Ridings-sama thinks they might not cast a new one." Hotaru offered, "Also still trying to learn English."

"**_Do not call me Ridings-sama, My name is The_ _Mentor!_**" The cultured voice boomed, before going quiet again.

* * *

_**I do not know who this Richard Ridings fellow is, and I am not a fan of his work. Go back War For The Overworld and buy the Dungeon Keeper games.**_

* * *

"Your other adviser is Teleute The Endless Death…. She's currently at Gringott's handling your mortal affairs." Hornicus explained, before continuing with his report, "Your objective, as Dungeon Keeper, is to be a force that brings Good to heel. If they decide to invade your territory, you may do with them as you wish. But, and this is a big BUT, you are not allowed to make the first strike."

"Union laws, which are surprising considering they didn't originally have a union..." A dark haired woman stated, as she entered through a flaming portal, "Lord Jareth and Gnarl made an agreement with the Aboveground governments that, unless there was a really good reason for us to do so… Oh yes, I'm Teleute, and your money will be with you within 1-2 days, excluding weekends, bank holidays and when the goblins are in a bad mood..."

"Laws like ones oppressing the goblin nation, that allow them to consider everything beneath them, illegal use of memory charms, abuse of the law in an attempt to legalize being absolute bastards…" Hornicus listed, ticking each one off with his fingers, "Forgot any of them?"

The woman got out a book, looking through it, going cross-eyed as she flicked back and forward through it, before yelling "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

'_Silence Glaive Surprise!_' Hotaru called out, and Harry gaped as the thick volume was obliterated by some form of energy that issued from the halberd Hotaru was holding.

"Was that necessary?" Harry asked, as bits of parchment floated to the ground.

"Necessary, No. Fun... Most definitely..." Hornicus declared, with a chuckle.

"I don't know what's more full of contradictions and laws that effectively render other laws redundant or unworkable. For example, there's a law that requires goblins must file all complaints with the department handling Magical Beasts. That's fine. In another section, there is a one week limitation on how long a case may be open with the Wizengamot. From what we know, it takes a week just for the request for more information to get back to the goblins." The woman stated.

"So, any complaint that is filed by the Goblin Nation about a wizard's actions in Gringott's will be filed, the case being opened waiting for the evidence to be processed. The case then closes in favor of the wizard since the goblins have only just been told to get their evidence together…" Hornicus continued.

"Meaning that, legally, the Wizarding Government has followed the law to the letter. Actually, they've ensured that any issue raised by a non-wizard will never get to court." The woman finished.

"And the laws are all like that?" Harry asked.

"If you're not… A rich, influential pureblood who looks down on non-magicals like some might look down on ants, you'll never get anything done." The woman stated, "Thankfully, since you died, you're no longer part of their legal system."

"I'm dead?" Harry declared, then passed out in shock.

"At least it's better than previous times we've done that." Hornicus rumbled, "Every time it's me waking the Keeper up, they pass out in fear of death."

"And Gnarl always gets the minions to do it, and they usually leave him in a worse state..." Teleute added.

"And we stopped using Etna after Laharl discovered she WAS trying to assassinate him..." Hotaru finished.

* * *

_**We are very sorry the author wasn't able to submit anything for several weeks. Their computer keeled over due to age. It had been online for at least four years.**_


End file.
